thing is, i think we'd all want a governor who got high and liked it. we just don't want a punk ass bitch whose gonna bullshit people about it and say that all of a sudden he's changed his mind about it because he chose to run republican.

lived here all this time and doesn't know how cali rolls.

suddenly ashamed even though he claims he hasnt ever given a fuck.

mr universe and when some frat boy throws an egg just took off his jacket. take off the shirt too, action hero, and dare junior to do the same.

remind us who's the man.

do it before mary carey beats you to it.

problem with our leaders is they're followers of a mantra of spinelessness. only people who aren't ashamed of saying what they mean are the warmongers and puff daddy.

i think his music's for girls but he did make those fools walk to brooklyn to get him some damn cheesecake.

and they did it cuz they have a dream and they'll bitch to brookyln and back but they'll do it and arnold doesn't want to walk to humbolt so fuck. him.

you know who stuck to his guns?

cruz. the new front runner. the one who says he doesn't agree with the recall on his boss but if youre going to vote for someone else vote for him.

but bigger than that he wont back down for his affiliation of the never-before-until-now controversial nonviolent latino group MEChA. a student organization that state senator tom mcclintock this week compared to the klan. cuz he's ig'nant and rightfully trailing in the race. like a bitch.

cali doesn't care if the governor is a stoner or was a stoner or smoked out a few times with cameras rolling after an orgy. it just doesn't want a blatant liar. cuz if he's lying about something as small as weed, what else is the son of a nazi lying about?

and say what you want about mary carey
but mary carey aint never lied to me.

:)

little big mind + pink cookies + science blog

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if you ever catch me bitching again, tell me to knock it off. if you ever see me mopey or whiney or bashful or sleepy, remind me who i am and what time it is and what my role is in this divine comedy, its not that of which ive been playing.

i live one of the most blessed lives of anyone. ive waltzed through this slam dance with the greatest of ease. the good lord even found me a way to get a college degree without grades or finals or tests. i have been in the public eye in one manner or another with tremendus approval. i started and ran my own business for years, employed friends, and quit cuz it was too easy and cuz money isnt everything.

this town is warm. its gorgeous. its full of life. and its mine.

every band comes through here, and the best band, the house band, are my friends. how often does that happen. if youre me, always. and the rest of my friends, pretty much all here, all cool, all rocking.

im depressed because the golden snoop deville of love hasnt rolled up next to the subway stop as the virgins dance and the midgets throw confetti and the elephants stand on their hind legs.

yet.

have i lost my fool mind?

meanwhile, in real life, i actually do have a cool job, and i am important to the process, and i am respected, and liked, and the chicks are hot, man. fuck! and being hollywood theres celebs everywhere, and thats sorta a thrill when you least expect it, which i like. and i can wear sneakers and shorts if i wanna.

and then theres all of you. whoever you are. and this, whatever this is. the biggest bonus for me off the internet since napster. like the dude said in american pie, God bless the Internet. ive gotten to work for two awesome startups thanks to the http, and the biggest company in the world. ive gotten to travel, and write and talk and teach people about the coolest newest thing on the journey of mankind.

how can i bitch when a third of this planet has to walk somewhere to get to their water supply and ive got tivo.

yes im old. as fuck. but i look good for my age. and all of my parts work fine.

not everybody has all their parts workin fine. so be thankful if you do, ingrates.

my buddy chris called me yesterday to tell me he had an extra white stripes ticket for me in section a, and still i had the nerve to wake up this morning and decide that i was going to be a grumpy little bitch all day because the playmate the mansion was sending over was running a little late as she was painting her toenails extra special for my black ass. and there i was looking at my tag like a yuppie and tapping my feet.

i shoulda been in that crazy train in disneyland.

so anyways, im sorry for listening to the demons too closely
their song i guess sucked me in
sunday theres football, i know, im a dope
and on encore is lord of the rings

bing + true + katie

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caption this, please

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how can i be in such a crappy mood today? the cubs are on a hot streak, its friday, my boss isnt here today, its nice out, football season has begun (pictured), i get to see my truest on sunday, clipper girl's cousin wants to come over tonight. everything should be awesome right now. i should be feeling like a million. instead i feel about a quarter million.

was late for the subway, hated the people getting out of the elevator. got to the bench, hated the woman with the loud heels clicking her way all the way down to me. hated that she sat next to me. released a little gas. hated that she didnt notice.

got on the subway, hated that it was my happy good morning good morning subway guy who is always peppy and awesome. actually didnt hate him for very long. loved him pretty immediately. transfered trains. didnt hate anyone till i got to the escalator, hated this guy in a pinstripe suit and flip flops. hated him for a good 100 feet then saw this guy run to the elevator. this elevator is like gold to most of the commuters who dont want to take the second escalator. you save maybe 3 seconds if you can get on the elevator and it rises just as you get on. but thats not what ever happens. some ass always comes running just as the doors are closing to squeeeeeeze in and then you have to wait for the doors to decide to close and then you and your twenty newest cramped friends ride the 20 feet up and you dont have to use the terribly frightening escalator.

whatever. i hated everyone. especially those who didnt walk up the escalator but stayed planted on the left and right sides, blocking me, who enjoyed the daily exercise of walking up the escalator. im not really a hater. im a lover. i normally love everyone and everything. but lately ive been in the foulest of moods. i feel like im in purgatory. i dont know if im up or down. black is white. white is black, we're through the lookingglass people.

i wrote something this week that i thought completely kicked ass and only d-lo said anything nice about it and for that i am in lust with her. good old kristin split from her man and it made me sad. i dont like for nice people to have to end things. still. still. still i hated as i waited for the bus in the heat of the morning of the last days of disco. i have the biggest frowny frown on, i have friends all around me, people are talking nice nice about chopper one and you know one thing that i have a right to be pissed about are the tours. ok, hot chicks in business suits from all over the world come to hollywood to see chopper one. i dont know where these people are from and yet they come. they come here with their bosses, always men, always nodding, always sure that they know what theyre looking at, but they dont know shit. and what bothers me the most is that the guys who give the tours know less and they point at me like im the monkey boy and i am the monkey boy but they dont ever say, hey agent, would you like to say a few words about your vehicle?

ever.

especially when theres a hot babe in a business suit and skirt and a clipboard and visitors pass. what would i tell them?

i would say, what youre seeing here is a miracle. its poetry in motion. its a dream and a fantasy. if youre the wrong person its a nightmare. its the most deadly and illegal weapon that you'll ever see and when its at its most dangerous you cant even see it. this is chopper one, the penthouse of the tower of babble. able to leap tall mountains with a single thought. able to become invisible with a click. able to make one person or thousands vomitous with two clicks. what youre seeing my friends is the begining and the end, the here and the now, the future and the past, what youre seeing is the baddest ass piece of magic that you probably shouldnt even know about and it can only be flown by one man using esp and that man is me and i want to quit.

maybe thats why they dont let me talk during the damn tour.

tif + coyote + annika + sahalie

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by winning yesterday the cubs passed the cardinals and are now a half game out of first place.

blogger just ate my post about la and you know what, thats fine. you should write at least once in the night and what i was writing was so dumb and my favorite town is isla vista anyway.

this is the place though where dreams come true.

tonight let me direct your attention to makeout city who appears to be taking the instapundit head on except instead of focusing on politics and the law, focuses on personal blogs like this one.

where j_e comes up with the time to read all of those blogs and then comment is beyond me.

what i do know is he's on top of the action and thats why im always very happy when he says something nice about the busblog.

it'll be interesting to see if makeout city can approach the ridiculously high numbers that instapundit.com gets, but if it worked for one type of reading, i dont see why it wouldnt work for another.

one ten am and my boss isnt coming into work tomorrow.

one twenty five and i just watched the sex pistols on jimmy kimmel.

in a perfect world thered be a sleepy girl whod at this hour would rub her eyes and ask me to go to bed with her.

and id have to type fast

as saturday night live reruns played softly on the giant tv built by hand in japan and right now my true love is with another.

makeout city says that he likes my advice to the kids so heres another one.

when its light, study, when its dark, party.

this answers the questions of "should i wake n bake?"

all depends on what time youre waking up.

if its light, study, when its dark, party.

all your classes are over by 11:30am on tuesdays and thursdays?

study. study hard. the more you want to have lunch with that hot chick or play pinball or anything, read something. and read it right because when it turns night youre going to drink everything in sight.

most of college is spent procrastinating. its spent falling asleep in the library, or going to get frozen yogurt, or talking on the phone, doing everything except studying. and then when people get it together they spend like two hours doing their work super tired and passing out at one thirty.

if you get out of class at 11:30am, take your sandwich to a grassy noll and read till 130pm and youve already beaten everyone in your class. then take a piss. then read till 2:30 and youre the smartest person in the world. then read some more for a different class until 4:30pm and remind yourself that happy hour is coming. then write for a few hours. if you turn on the tv youre an idiot. listen to zepelin floyd and janes addiction.

and after dinner you go show people how its done.

and if youre in islavista heres a bonus tip, bring your own cup and before you leave the house, finish your beer, and turn your cup upside down as you walk down the road.

open container tickets are for frat dudes from uc san diego, not locals.

nate + miss tang + sk smith

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today is LA's birthday



why dont you wish the city of angels a happy 222nd

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i heard it from a reliable source that theres a madpony who is no longer attatched. a sorority girl who no longer has a boyfriend. oh to be single and living in oklahoma again.

i wonder how long our girl will wait to start dating again? she was with her man for as long as ive known her - which is coming close to a year now, my time flies - and im pretty sure they were together well before then.

some people wait years to get back into the ring and i dont recommend that. life is short. romance is supposed to be a good part of our lifestyle, a nice bonus that seperates us from the bananna slugs. and i plead guilty to moping after splitting with most of my exs, but after i broke up with my last long term girlfriend of many years i was out dating immediately, and it helped. and i now see that it is the way.

neither of us considered it an insult to our relationship, and none of it diminished my affection to my true love.

i can say that im not totally happy with kristin being surrounded by all those frat boys, but maybe frat boys today are different than how they were when i was standing in line for the keg back at the end of the century. lets hope theyre better fellas out there.

but i trust her judgement. why not? one of the best things about blogs is you can go back in the archives and see how people have changed and grown and how their thinking might have developed and what ideas theyve stuck with, and far as i can tell kristin is still the sweet young woman we've all fallen for since she started her blog with her sister way back in '02, and of the two kristin is the one who stuck to writing about her life regularilly and smartly.

bonus points for sticking to it.

in her second-to-last post she gave several tips to college freshmen as they enter their new lives.

i have more than a few tips for the college kids and i'd say on the top of the list is to do like what kristin did, and not be afraid to break up with boyfriends/girlfriends when youre in college. im not saying dont try to work things out, definately do that, but if you really arent into it anymore breaking up is the best thing you can do for yourself and your sweetie - especially when youre surrounded for the last time in your life by people your age doing almost exactly what youre doing.

college should be a place where dating and meeting people is at its easiest, which isnt to say that it will be easy, but it only gets harder once you leave the friendly confines of your campus.

with that said, if youre a guy, ask out every girl you get a crush on. your odds of them saying yes are far greater than when youre 26 and serving them mudslides at the TGIF. and trust me, thanks to our president, most of you are going to take that college degree and still end up working at the damn TGIF, so take that betty to the movies and if she says no, ask her roommate.

as for you, ladies, say yes in college. you have the rest of your lives to play hard-to-get. games are for game nights when youre sitting around your condo with the rest of your single girlfriends smoking american spirits, drinking white wine and realizing youre creeping closer to 30 and you've never been with a hundred-year-old. believe it when you hear that college is the best time of your life.

and then make it so.

gorrila mask + hit and run + madpony

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this is for the brothaz who aint here. dont call it a sellout. ive sold out for years. pushing this skateboard of secret treats headed for that tightrope across heck. she had green eyes that turned gray real slowly as the twinklestars zipped through the moonlight in the august folder of your heart.

she makes me feel my age not my shoe size. hellifi know how she does it. and what if it aint even her. still the sidewalk clacks like traintracks tonight as i skate down hollywood like a black speck in your rearview and thats how i wanna stay yo. im just going home straight up hoodie from a culdesac kittycornered to yesterday.

66. Gorilla Mask

go 'topes she says and kisses me tentatively. bitch could make a rhyme outta everything. she touched me and my eyes would get all swirly. shed say the dirtiest things as hendrix played slow jams ive never heard and the dj would say uh.

whose living life like jimi the cymbal crashing cokehead monkey said, and if youre not living your rockstar destiny mr snoop dogg bloggyhead then who is.

cuz someone is

it aint a sellout if its for love she said

or lust yelled her sister from the next room

we were watching the albequerque isotopes who had made it to the playoffs, a minor league baseball team named after a cartoon minor league baseball team. life imitating bart. she said how do you like new mexico tony. he said makes me miss old mexico.

and these people interview me and they never go for it forrest. today they should have said, how do you think youre representing? and i'd say shit. far as i can tell im the only one representing. and not even well. but where im from you stay in your little treehouse and you dont wander. maybe you'll head off to florida in the spring. but when you come back you say how great it is and you never go there again ever again ever and you certainly dont get any off two girls in the rain and none of you are on acid.

anymore.

and she keeps stirring the cookies singing sugar. oh, honey honey.

you are my everything.

and i want you.

her name was rosalita, she had a warm pool. way too tight with her kung fu grip and youd have to say im a sensitive poet remember this sword isnt mightier than your sin but it wasnt that it was you th. and who does nt wan t that.

madpony + mental spigot + sepi sepi

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have i told you the xbi is insane? it is.

this morning i esped to myself i'll send and s.o.s to the world

i hope that someone gets my

i hope that someone gets my

i cant believe how fast time flies here though. before you know it its lunch time and before you know it its time to go home. i do my fair share of over time, everyone does, but none of us want to. we just want to go home at the end of the day to our wives and girlfriends and mistresses and tivos.

im thinking about celebrating the opening day of football on sunday with a little bbq, but i dont know. im thinking about picking up street and smith football. im thinking about shaving all my hair off again.

im not thinking straight.

what does my astrology have for me this week?

Libra Horoscope for week of September 4, 2003

Promise me that you will never use astrology as an excuse to avoid taking responsibility for your decisions. Always keep in mind that the planets don't determine your fate. It�s true, however, that analyzing their positions can help you know when and how to clarify your choices.

For instance, my reading of the current omens suggests to me that if you continue to let things slide, if you keep postponing action, you'll fall under the spell of a funky malaise. If, on the other hand, you bolster your commitment to what you love, you'll not only ward off debilitation -- you'll feel more robust than you have in a long time.

- Rob Brezney

i dont know what that means. what am i letting slide? i am nothing, i have nothing, there is nothing to let slide.

i do need to work on the links to the left there, am i letting that slide too much? ok, done. i will work on that tonight.

work-wise im up-to-date. arent i?

date-wise, i have nothing. am i letting something slide over there? i dont think so. am i?

oh, astrology youre so confusing sometimes. i dont want to fall under the spell of any funky malaise.

hell, i already feel like im in a funky malaise.

maybe i just need a diet dr. pepper.

monica + lynn + nay

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i got nothing to say. i gots lots to say but i aint saying it, just call my dusty. went to the grocery store with a hot chick yesterday. if you ever want me to start liking you, drive me to the grocery store in the hood and be cool. which she was.

her cell phone was blowing up cuz shes hot and popular and all her little girlfriends wanted to coordinate watching the OC and when i was younger i woulda lifted my shirt in aisle seven and said this is better than any damn oc baby but nowadays i just let people live their own lives.

except for dusty baker who benched sammy for the second game of the st. louis double dip last night even after it was obvious that the cubs bats had cooled off significantly since this weekend. in game one yesterday the cubs didnt score a run from the 5th inning till the 15th when sammy sent one into the bleachers.

his reward? he was allowed to rest for the nightcap. or was it a reward to the cardinals who shut the cubbies out for 7 more innings when the north siders loaded the bases for moises alou who nailed a shot down the left field line that kicked up chalk but still the umpire called it a foul ball, enraging not only alou, but cub reliever antonio alfonseca who ran out into the field after alou was retired and bumped the ump in a fit of rage. alou was also kicked out of the game in a move that looked like he air-headbutted the man in blue and spit on him.

sosa replaced alou in a bonehead move that echoed the old time phrase of too little too late.

although i have to give dusty his props for bringing the cubs this far with very little hitting and a miserable bullpen, when you bench your all-star hall of famer who is red hot, and you put all the pressure on a guy like moises alou, the guy who gets thrown out of the game for going apeshit on a badbadbad call shouldnt be your big fat washed up former closer, it should be your toothpick chewing ass.

you should be pointing at the chalk you should be pointing at the chalk you should be pointing at the chalk.

you should call the umpire every name in the book. you should question not only his sexuality but the sexuality of his mother and the sexuality of the man who sold him his glasses. whats that you dont wear glasses, well, maybe you should because even big fat antonio alfonseca here in the cubs bullpen saw that chalk kick up which would have been a double that would have scored at least two maybe three.

you should suggest that the umpire go back to st. louis or thank his bookie for allowing him to make the bet. you should tell the umpire that this is the mlb which means your mother loves the booty. i dont know what that means either but that was a fair ball and how come you didnt ask the three other blind mice if they saw the chalk, just ask them, what do you have to lose, why wont you ask them, are they in on the fix too. no i didnt say a dirty word i said FIX TOO FIX TOO what you cant hear AND see? ask your buddies if i swore! i said fix you dirty little liar, you crappy little man, you fake little shoe shine boy lucky to have a large variety of kneepads that got you to this position. 1908 and youre going to rob these fans of a double down the left field line because you want to make a few hundred bucks, here i will give you your damn money back, is that what this is about, money? here heres all the damn money i have, this isnt about money, son, this is about dreams coming true and yes im pointing at the bleachers youre just in the way, those fans, thats what this is about, those shirtless hopeless dirty fans who sit out there in their stink and bring their kids here and bring their friends here and have to watch idiots like you see the chalk fly up and still call it a foul ball. FIX YOU mother trucker FIX YOU!

and then dusty needs to say the real f word like 100 times and point at the chalk and accuse the umps of being terrorists and demanding that they show him the contents of their shoes because he's suddenly quite curious as to why they would want to destroy the very center of america itself: baseball, and the cubs chances of winning a world series in our lifetime.

brian + zak + bloopy

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the school that i talk about all the time, UCSB, my truest of true loves, was recently named one of the 12 hottest American colleges in the Kaplan/Newsweek How to Get Into College guide for 2003.

here's what they had to say about it:

With its glamorous location on 989 acres of Pacific Ocean coastline overlooking the Santa Ynez Mountains, UCSB used to be known as a major party school. Now it's the party school with an increasingly impressive academic reputation. Three faculty members have won Nobel Prizes in recent years. UCSB's engineering school is highly rated in national rankings in many departments, especially in the rapidly expanding field of materials science. The school's Ph.D. physics program is one of the top 10 in the country, and the Institute for Theoretical Physics attracts scientists from around the world to debate such questions as the future of cosmology. One quarter of undergraduates take part in research, teaming up with faculty and grad students. Applicants apparently have taken notice. Freshman applications have increased by 67 percent in the last five academic years, compared with 31 percent for the UC campuses as a whole, and 27 percent of the students who applied for the class of 2006 had a GPA of 4.0 or higher.

Not surprisingly for a school just two hours north of Hollywood, UCSB is famous for its film-studies major that lets students study film theory along with aesthetics. In the past few years, graduates of the film-studies program have been nominated for Academy Awards in areas as disparate as animation and adapted screenplay.

UCSB is the only school in the UC system to offer religious studies through the Ph.D. level. The program stands out nationally because it focuses on the cultural aspects of faith, as opposed to other programs that primarily train priests or ministers. In 2002 the university opened a new building for its school of environmental science and management that is recognized as the greenest building in California because it meets the highest federal and local standards of energy efficiency. In addition, just about everything used in the construction project-including demolition waste, silt and other debris-was recycled.

the 12 hottest colleges:

Arizona State University
Boston College
University of California, Santa Barbara
Davidson College
George Washington University
Kenyon College
Macalester College
University of Maryland, Baltimore County
McGill University
The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Pepperdine University
University of Washington at Seattle

tobasco guy

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cubs are doing it people. bottom of the fifteenth inning today at wrigley. first game of the day + night double header, auggie ojeda gets on board, sammy sosa comes to the plate.

minutes later theres the hop (pictured).

the cubs are about to make my dreams come true.

k, first theyre going to leap frog the cards tonight and get into second place. then the astros. then they will beat the braves in the playoffs and then the yankees in the series.

easy.

ah yes. world championships. good thing about being 109 is i remember the last time the cubbies won it all, 1908 was the year, movies cost a penny and they put cocaine in Coke.

a man could buy a car for a half-penny and they made asprin out of ass.

donkeys that is.

back then they didnt have much on tv, but what they had was good: radio programmes, news of the cubs winning the world series, ventriliquizim.

internet was super slow in 1908. sheesh.

it was so slow people just used snail mail most of the time.

girls were nicer, but not as pretty. they didnt mind cleaning your house and making you supper. they had supper back then, btw. man were they nicer. Leave it to Beaver was reality tv.

of course the coloreds had no rights, or the satanists, or the kids, or the fish. you could just pee in the rivers and nobody said nothing.

tv was free, werent no traffic jams, houses cost a nickle.

you died at 35 but that just kept the traffic down and the preacher in business.

weed was legal in '08, 'cept we didnt call it weed, we called it Rheumatism Medicine, as in, boy, get me my medicine. then we'd chortle. lots of chortling going on back then.

a man couldnt walk a block without seeing another man in a stovepipe hat and a pipe and a cane chortling on his way to the saloon.

you'd tip your hat and chortle right back.

chortles were free back then.

amy

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people dont understand how to party and people dont understand how to program television.

my favorite station E! has a great franchise going with their Wild On series, but this year they need to let the celebs show them how its done.

every week there should be a new celeb taking the cameras to their favorite party places. first up needs to be the Worm, my bro Dennis Rodman in vegas. he can give us tips on drinking, playing black jack, and rebounding. he should also give us a tour of the wedding chapels that are best for getting drunk in. and how to get a midget to be your best man. carmen electra can guest host a segment.

next week should be the Hilton Sisters on the sunset strip. i bet you there are more than a few secret rooms in the clubs in hollywood that only nikki and paris know how to get into. carmen electra should guest host one of the segments too.

then we go to minneapolis where i would like to see how prince gets down. i know he doesnt do much press, but come on buddy, no one is buying your records any more. seriously when was the last time you got a prince record? back when doves cried? and he doesnt even have to speak, he can just get one of his ladies to show us around. but he need to be there. i want wild on the twin cities. carmen electra can guest host.

then we need to go to isla vista. duh. i need to host that shhhhh whoops almost cursed there. i need to host the party. i want to see 50 kegs lined down del playa, bands, burning couches, fleeing dogs, cops on horses, and a whole hell of a lot of alcohol awareness, people. i would also like to see some wheat thins. the hilton sisters can guest host. maybe we can get ugly kid joe to reunite and party next to the leather guild.

speaking of reuniting. i want the Coreys to get back together somewhere in tijuana. lots of people party in baja and most of the times they do it in a dirty dirty shameful way. we need to change that. Wild On of all tv shows can bring the ass, i mean class back to tijuana, once known as the jewel in the mexican rivera. since carmen electra knows spanish i guess she can guest host.

snoop dogg is a Wild On: Tha Ghetto no brainer. must i seriously have to think of everything? paris hilton can guest star.

remember last year when that Aligator guy from austrialia was all the rage? he even had a knock off dude? well those two guys probably know how to party pretty well and i want to see how they let loose for the Wild On: Down Under.

willie nelson knows how to get down and none of that has been documented. why? maybe nobody has asked the redheaded stranger. Wild On: Hillbilly Style. and yes that means moonshine and deep frying turkeys, so represent!

but the biggest partiers in rock are the Roadies. every movie ive ever seen theres a roadie getting some or drinking or eating the left overs. Wild On: Backstage will be a classic. especially when the discussion turns away from tattoos and back to the groupies.

Wild On: Under 5' 5" will be a classic. lil kim, frankie munoz, fred durst, christina aguilera, mini me, david spade, the olsen twins, spud webb, seth green, gov. gary coleman, angus young: all how they roll.

tell me you wouldnt watch it.

alecia is the #2 "alecia" on google + daily pundit + ouahad

# | |

raymi i want i want i want. ive been eating like a pig lately. i had tv dinners and soup and then a half of a pie and then a little rice before getting invited over to pizza.

then i had some homemade cookies then i went home and ate some beefaroni cuz it rhymes with tony.

all this food talk has me thinking about lunch. i hafta get my bus pass at the store when i get my sandwich. i dont want to get any more bus passes. when will i get my last one? you know how you never know the last time you'll kiss a girl? when will be the last time i go to Ralph's and ask for a monthly bus pass?

sometime in the year two thousand?

oh raymi i want and i want and i want.

i want to put the cubs' playoff race on the left hand side of my blog but i dont wanna jinx it.

i dont want to jinx anything, raymi, but this whole cubfan thing has been a jinx to me.

your gd bluegays have won the world series thanks to the bat of the cubs' number one draft pick which is why you dont care about these things. theres no gta jinx. theres just fish and ice and eskimoes and raymis skipping past the bobbies on the corners parlezing and bumping into mike meyers.

raymi are you going to the new jackie chan movie? i dont think i will. f new jackie chan movies. he needs to go back to china and regain his spirit.

i would change everything if i could. first thing i would do is make canada our 51st state. i think theyd go for it. smokes are cheaper here. i think youd like that.

raymi what am i going to do with you? you seem like youd be very good with pets. especially dogs. i see you playing catch with a happy dog with a tail for hours. maybe several hours. i see you throwing a frisbee into the ocean and the dog diving in and you diving in too and nabbing the frisbee in your own teeth and the dog trying to get it out of there and both of you drowning.

then i see anti saving you both and giving first you mouth to mouth and then spot and then you again and then spot then sand castle competition and then lines being done off the hairy backs of the tourists.

how can it be septemeber already.

i blame the president.

raymi + bunnie has a super nice long thingie up + trinity xxx

# | |

dear raymi,

why arent we ruling the world yet?

why are we letting princess george and in his little boy blue outfit take his toy canon and airplane glue and set things on fire and spend all the money we dont have and lie and cheat and steal and look dumb.

raymi why do we even have to think about these things? arent there some art project that need to go down?

arent there like a dozen young girls who idolize you who need to have a thrift store contest?

why dont we have our tv talk show yet? why arent our dreams realized? are you even in america?

come back to america raymi. we need you. come make it sunny here.

especially in hell-a.

im going to be 110 years old next month raymi.

american.

and youre 20?

god we'd make a great team.

im doing this thing this week where im not going to say any swear words on the blog at all.

i think i can do it.

i did it the last few days and it wasnt any big deal.

please come back to america where its the greatest and show us how to be the greatest.

i need your fashion tips. big time. BiG TYME. i want you to dye my hair, i want you to tell me how great Tsar is. theyre playing almost every day next month and this month. except for the suckey days.

oh raymi where are you girl? i dont even see your boy writing about you. i see him pulling the bukowski and getting terrible jobs at low wages. hes funny. when can i marry you two. i would.

fifty bucks cash upfront though.

american.

cry of capricorn + blue cad + emmanuelle

# | |

every day that i finally make it here to my desk i think to myself, why am i here again? the pay is laughable. in fact if you cant laugh at it then you need to quit. the phones always ring and never happy people on the other end. the work is dangerous. i should have been dead a long time ago. and nobody ever says thank you.

i say thank you but sarcastically. tony, theres a shoot out in korea town, no chopper, just get there and pick up the peices.

thank you, boss.

picking up the peices means stand in the shadows and steal the getaway car or the money or the jewels or whatever loot that might get left behind, guns, ammo, phony social security cards, laptops. lots of times theres clues about ongoing heists happening or soon-to-be jobs, or nudie pics of bad guys' girlfriends. it's never a bunch of valueable stuff, but sometimes it is. however there is a fire fight happening and nobody knows which side im on so my likelihood of being shot is very high.

their likelihood of missing and me shooting them, however, is higher, so watch it bitch.

some guys meditate in the morning, i write you.

some guys need to get their heads together, i need to get the writing done.

some guys need their coffee and their donut or frappuchino and bagel, i just need an apple juice and a slice of pound cake, maybe a mcdonalds egg bacon cheese biscuit, but only if i was good.

last night i wasnt good. miss montreal wanted me to go to her house. i didnt want to do that. you should see this girl though. her roommate got on the phone and started yelling at me in french saying she was taking it personally that i never wanted to go to their house.

the place is full of french canadian beauty queens but im a homebody and i know what would go on over there. and who needs a bunch of people asking you questions and slowly picking you apart. the roommate said that there would be a car at my house at 7:30pm. it was 7:10pm. i said, how about 8:10pm, they said 7:45pm i said what time will this car take me home. she said 11pm you will be back at home. so i said, fine pick me up at 8:10. and i explained that i hadnt showered or shaved since friday. so they agreed to 8:10.

my girl arrived and looked good, smelled good. has some curves that defy gravity. sassy little smile. she'd been sick all weekend and of course the only night that we had to wake up early the next day would she be available. its ok though. canadian kisses are sweet.

we collected my things and she drove me up the hills to their mansion in the trees. very natural place, springs, butterflies, lightening bugs.

everyone was getting ready to watch Paradise Hotel, which i admit ive been following. three couples then us. i was very uncomfortable. if im being in couple mode i usually end up with at least one hand in an inappropriate place that gets slapped away. sorry.

afterwards people wanted to play a board game. i wanted to go home. i wanted to make out. she didnt want to give me her cold. gimme your cold, baby. she shook her head and wouldnt give me a kiss.

i had showered shaved clothed removed myself from writing all this beautiful literature for your collective behinds and i wasnt even going to get a kiss. hmmm. back in the day i would have pouted or been upset, but in a month and a half im going to be 110 years old.

i settled for the hand relief, kissed her cheek, dodged the paparazzi and slipped into the back door. the phone was ringing with hot chicks, but i unplugged the wire and prepared some cold cereal.

within an hour i was asleep.

gorilla mask + the ward + orby

# | |

top of the ninth farnsworth in for prior eduardo perez pinch hitting for stephenson. 96 mph first pitch sent to short on a grounder, one out.

eli marrero who was just activated off the DL pinch hits. prior 131 pitches, 80 strikes, 5 hits, no runs. eli hits a shot off farnsworth into the outfield. almost off kyles back.

he licks his fingers and gets back on the mound. SS bob hart with one out and man on first. cubs up by seven. bo uses a red bat 0-2. im not sure about red bats. outside pitch caught hart looking with that red bat on his shoulder. called third strike.

here it is, could be the last out of the game. former cub and brave joe girardi pinch hits. only 17 abs this year. likable catcher. was also a yankee. 0-2 everyone on their feet. me too. i sit back down to type and tell you it was fouled off.
cards have never been shut out on the road this year. until now. high fastball swung, missed.

cubs win cubs win. cubs just a game and a half back.

madpony

# | |

bottom of the eighth karros sends a shot to center, gives the fans a thrill but its out. pulled in by your pal so who replaces edmonds in center. one out.

first pitch single for ramirez. 16th hit of the game.

miller hits one back to the pitcher, double play.

cubs lead 7-0 going into the ninth.

will prior pitch? will it be farnsworth?

glenn reynolds

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top of the eighth cairo batting for the first time. prior still on the mound. 1-1 fly ball lazy to sammy in right. one out.

sammy tells the bleach bums theres only one out. vina up. its eight thirty pm in chicago, single to left. eight thirty and the game tomorrow is at noon, i wonder if the players will go out for some drinks. my guess is yes. especially the cubs.

palmerio is 1-3 today, two balls. kerry robinson on deck. he hit the walk off homer in st. louis last week. ball three to orlando. prior has 120 pitches. larry rothchild the cubs pitching coach is on the phone. the bullpen stirs. strike one. kyle farnsworth with the 98 mph heat gets up. ball four.

robinson is up. the catcher to the mound. now rothchild. now the ump. the ump wants to go out tonight. one strike to robinson. now two. two men on one out, 0-2. if this was any other lousy place theyd be doing the wave. no wave at wrigley. outside, just missed. 1-2. crazy sinking curve, swinging, missing, seventh k.

so taguchi is up. yes thats how you spell it. japanese. 19 abs this year. little fella. long long shirt sleeves. wears stripes on his socks hung low. 1-1 now ball low 2-1. my back hurts. i need a laptop. so fouls it off. imagine what i could do if i didnt have to work for a living. the crowd gets riled up. no wave. fouled off by my man so. 2-2, two outs. will he throw a strike? yes, theres that wicked curve over the plate that just rainbows over. he swings but where do you swing?

eight strike outs for prior. cards 0 cubs 7

jeff jarvis and the buzz machine

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bottom of the seventh prior hitting for himself drives the second pitch up the middle for his second hit of the game.

top of the order up. lofton a hit to left. prior to second. theyre going all the way which is why we're doing this. tonight was the turn around.

bo hart comes in at short for the cards.

womack brings it to 1-1. 1-2 after a foul ball. before mlb held up the cubs when they had an interim mayor after harold washington was shot there wouldnt have been lights at wrigley meaning this game wouldnt be going on right now becasue of the dark clouds. and even though the cubs are winning this big big game it would be ok with me if i never happened if it meant no lights at wrigley. womack strikes out.

sammy drives it deep to left but that wind only will let one homer tonight. its a long out.

38, 400 fans at the game. alou sends it to a full count. first and second the runners will be off with the pitch. line drive to pujols in deep left. cards 0 cubs 7

science blog

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top of the seventh and prior is still out there cubs have a terrible bullpen. former yankee tino martinez takes the second pitch gently to left for one out.

edgar renteria comes up. hes 0-2 in this game. very dark skinned. wears red puma shoes. clean shaven. 80 mph curve in the dirt. 81 curve over the outside corner for a strike. swings, misses, fifth strikeout for prior. he has 190 ks this season. third in the NL. kerry wood is leads the league.

matheny goes 0-2 in the blink of a lash. crowd on their feet. 113th pitch gets matheney swinging at ghosts.

steve cochran and his kids sing "take me out to the ball game."

the kids ask the cubs to get some runs, but theyve given you seven.

hosemonster

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bottom of the sixth garret stephenson comes in to relieve fassero. miguel caio substitutes for rolen at third. 86 mph something for a ball. hanging fastball to karros, long fly to left in the wind, pujols turns its back. its gone! eric karros with his 11th home run.

aramis ramirez with a flyout to center.

karros's homer went 360 feet. cubs are up seven nothing. sepi left a comment, thank you sepi. single to left for hernandez. cubs are taking batting practice now.

damian miller with the first pitch grounder to third to second to first. double play but the cubs scored another one. cardinals 0 cubs 7.

sepi

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top of the sixth albert pujols leads off. best hitter in baseball. 2-2. pujols has a 6-game hitting streak, the count goes full. dusty baker is the cubs manager. he managed san francisco for years. tony larussa managed the oakland a's for years, hes the cardinal manager. 95 mph fastball goes foul. i could really use some chocolate. popped foul, eric karros near the catcher out. one out.

edmonds takes it to 2-0 and then 3-0. prior has looked like the balls were wet all day. high ball four. second walk for prior. rolen who has made two errors is up next.

rolen 1-1. prior has to be close to 100 pitches. groundball to second, to short and over to first, 4-6-3 the pitchers best friend and the cardinals are done. cards 0 cubs 6

alfred has my back.

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bottom of the fifth sammy sends a screamer through short for a single on the first pitch.

alou goes 1-2. cubs play st. lous, milwaukee and montreal, montreal games will be played in puerto rico. why cant i be going there? 2-2- to alou, shot to right, sosa around second, edmonds isnt throwing, then he is, good throw to third but it pulls the thirdbaseman off a few feet, sammy chugging long slide, dont break your leg sammy, safe at third. alou to second with a double.

1-1 to karros. slow curve over the plate, strike looking 1-2. karros waits for the pitch then asks for time. karros wears batting gloves. fouled off. why on earth would i want to be going to work tomorrow. drive through second barely touched by vina, sammy scores, alou rounds third but holds up, throw to the plate no body was running. crowd cheers, cubs score their first run.

runners at the corners nobody out for aramis ramirez. curve ball down and low, ball one. how many pitches does woody williams have. foul off behind the cards dugout. it says welcome to the friendly confines of wrigley field on it. ball two. 2-1. theyre holding karos on at first. 3-1 bottom of the 5th. that was williams' 100th pitch, thank you. full count to ramirez. jeff faserro takes his jacket off in the lackidazical st. louis dugout. ball four to ramirez.

dave duncan slowly comes out of the dugout to get his bullpen going. theres no outs, bases full. the umpire allows a good long talk. faserro is a lefty. williams stays in the game. martinez up bases loaded. sinker low, 1-0. williams has 14 wins. ball two. williams won his 14th game 7 games ago. long foul to right. theyre clapping lets go cubs. martinez sends it through the hole between third and short, one run scores. bases loaded karros on third. damian miller up. miller is two for two, long drive to right almost over his head, out, karos tags, third run scored. cards 0 cubs 3.

one out for mark prior with runners at the corners. a nice fly ball would do the trick. takes the second pitch for a strike, 0-2, check bunt, appealed, ball. 1-2 to the cub cy young candidate the second year phenom mark prior, base hit over the shortstop, run scores for prior, what a great swing. thats it for williams.

10 hits in four and a third with two strike outs for woody williams. former cub jeff fassero will come in to relieve. cards 0 cubs 3 we're still in the fifth.

lofton check swing to rolen, takes a bad hop off his chest bounces past the mound, run scores, its called an error.

fassero against womack now. first and second with one out and sammy on deck. strike one. cubs are up 5 zip. too eager swing on the second pitch makes it 0-2. lefty vs lefty. same pitch this time in the dirt. ball one. 1-2. high and outside evens it up. cubs fans hate the cardinals. cards lead the league in blown saves with 27. ball low, full count. sammy sosa is known for his home runs, hes on deck. that means hes next. slicing ball to left, its fair! womack with a double, 6-0. cubs have batted around. sammy is up. the wet crowd cheers.

sammy takes the first strike. hes batting .297 with 31 homers. catcher sets up inside, sammy pulls it foul. 82 mph left handed sweeping curve strikes sammy out in slow mo. two outs. alou first pitch pops up to right. two men left, but six scored after 11 cubs went to bat. cardinals 0 cubs 6.

folded space + amy rules america

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top of the fifth card catcher matheny against prior who has 74 pitches going ito the inning. 2-2. cardinals have a rough rest of the season and it starts with this series against the cubs, easy single to right, sammy picks it up.

woody williams comes up. williams shows bunt, lays down a totally perfect bunt feet in front of home, they barely get him at first. one out the slow running catcher at second.

vina batting .263 comes up from the left side. shot to short dives, comes up, long throw to get the speedy vina who was injured with a hamstring, stretch by karos, out by a half step. runner to third with two outs. crowd cheers because palmeiro is up and his first name isnt rafael.

prior nearly hits orlando with the second pitch at the belt. 1-1 with pujols on deck. swinging strike on a bad pitch, crowd cheering gains to encourage the strike out, foul ball as palmerio loses his bat behind him on the follow through. crowd is standing. man is on third. inside pitch jams him but he fouls it back. then another foul. fly ball to left, alou moves to his right your left and nabs it. cards 0 cubs 0

jaime

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bottom of the fourth martinez takes it to 2-1. then 3-1. williams hasnt walked anyone today. line shot down the left field line, just foul. the crowd was excited. it takes the organ a while to settle down. full count. then ball four. crowd cheers.

no outs, cub catcher damien miller up. last year he was a diamond back. 85 mph curve swung at 0-1. next one fouled back. next one fouled to deep right. organ keeps people clapping. the lights are on. inside curve too inside. 1-2. people chant lets go cubs. outside fastball just outside called a ball. 2-2. throw to first. safe. outside curve shot up the middle while the runner was moving, vina with the glovespectacularilly, underhand flips it to renteria who is running towards second but its over his head, it bounces over to behind third, everyone is safe. first and second for prior no out.

prior lays down a perfect bunt off a high pitch, runners advance, prior out at first, crowd cheers. great bunt. one out.

infield in for lofton who bats from the left side. 1-1 after a foul ball. williams on the mound has a red beard, short flyball to center no one tags. edmonds has a good arm and the wind blew it in. two outs.

two men on two outs in the chicago night in the friendly confines. tony womack who came over from arizona is up with sammy sosa on deck. two quick balls to womack. card pitching coach comes out to remind woody williams that sammy sosa doesnt hit well off woody so dont give tony anything good. fastball right down the middle taken for a strike. that was something good. inside pitch almost hits him 3-1. the clouds look heavy with dreams and rain. high high pitch swung at, full count with first base open. and sammy on deck. foul terriroty pujols with one hand on the cubs dugout catches it, cubs leave two more. cards 0 cubs 0

raymi is innocent

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top of the fourth jim edmonds takes the first pitch a strike. edmonds batting lefty against the right handed proir fouls the second pitch back. cubs and cardinals to play two tomorrow starting at noon. then another game at 7:05pm CST. cubs will go over 2.5 million tickets sold this year tonight. edmonds fouls two more back. and then another. he hops after he misses. not a well developed moustache on edmonds. ball low. edmonds is working prior nicely. two more foul balls. ive never liked edmonds. he wears #15 for the red birds, full count. foul ball. prior takes the new ball walks behind the mound takes off his hat takes a deep breath, returns. outside change up, pause, ball four. boos. it was off by a half foot.

rolen fouls off the first pitch. no outs. high inside fastball called a strike. tino martinez on deck. foul tip caught cub catcher damien miller. 0-2. check swing, strike called for going around. fourth k for prior.

1-0 to martinez. outside strike called a ball, 0-2 to the lefty martinez. it seems the outside pitches to right handers is more generous than that for the left handers. high tight pitch high fly to short right taken by womack running backwards. two outs man on first.

renteria takes a good inside curveball that curves over the inside corner. renteria popped up in the second. next pitch is fouled off. 73 pitches for prior already. top of the fourth. crowd cheers, 6-4 force at second.

howard owens

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bottom of the third tony womack leads off 1-1. hanging curve over the middle, womack sends it to short center for a single.

sammy sosa is announced to great cheering from the 20k who stayed through to this far. the rain is getting a wee bit stronger. metheny goes to the mound. the speedy womack is at first remember. curve inside taken, strike one. outside fastball called a strike, it was a strike. outside strike swung at, swung through, sammy whiffs. one out.

alou up only batting .252 after the all star break. curve hit as a chopper to rolen at third who aims at second but the slippery ball comes out, rolen then throws to first but alou is safe.

karros high fly ball, back back. wind knocks it down, edmonds basket catch, for some reason womack isnt tagging up. first and second with two outs now.

ramirez with the same goatee as pujols. not trimmed as well. karros looks like an older charlie manson with his untrimmed beard. ramirez 2-1. pick off play at second, safe. outside curveball strike. land of good and plenty that outside corner. groundball to first, out. cubs leave two. cards 0 cubs 0

layne

# | |

top of the third williams the pitcher leads off 1-1, sweeping curve over the outside corner, 1-2. nice sinker down the middle, ball is called, everyone moans, 2-2. woody fouls back the next pitch. rising fastball, long high drive to center, first out.

drizzle begins. vina and his red bat are up. first pitch taken for an outside corner strike. vina bats left handed. questionable ball, 1-1. curve taken inside, called strike. next pitched fouled off. inside corner looking, called strike three. of course it was a strike. sit down. two outs.

orlando palmerio goes quickly to 1-2. prior is allowed to blow on his hand on the mound. palmerio sends a single right past priors foot and over second base. single. third hit for the cardinals.

pujols the best hitter in baseball is up. curve strike. ends up 2-2. pujols has a well trimmed goatee. outside fastball squeaks past the outside corner to the right hand hitting pujols. low fastball at 96 mph catches pujols looking for a curveball, weak attempt at a swing, strike three. cards 0, cubs 0

welch

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bottom of the second long drive to right for the moustachioed ramon martinez who has a little beard too. playing short fo the cubs. wind knocks it down and there probably wont be many homers today, fans.

one out for the catcher damien miller. long foul ball to right, long run for palmiero, hits bullpen safely. 2-2 for miller against woody williams. inside fastball, just missed. full count. inside corner, miller pulls it to left and waltzes into second base.

prior at bat, hitting .228 with 5 rbis. theres sand on the outside warning track because of the rain earlier. prior gets it to 2-0, one out. woody only has given up 48 walks this season. ball three on the pitcher prior. a kid eats a bite from a hot dog. one strike looking, one swinging, full count. williams will be out of the game at this pace in twenty minutes. prior fouls one back. then a long drive to right, caught, miller to third with two outs.

lofton up batting .330 since joining the cubs. two quick balls pitching around lofton? seven game hitting streak. 2-1. 3-1, strike over the middle, taking. full count one big hop to second base, rentaria fields it cleanly, throws lofton out at first. cards 0, cubs 0

fat nathan

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top of the second scott rolen vs mark prior. 0-2 prior launches a wicked curve ball that somehow rolen gets , sends it to left center, bewilders centerfieleder lofton, rollen to second.

martinez first pitch pop up to left. one out rollen on second. the sun is setting in chicago. the lights are on.

edgar renteria batting .334, big swing on an inside fastball, strike one. 0-6 lifetime against prior. curveball 5 feet outside, ball. renteria is the fourth best hitter in the national league. prior misses three feet high. ball. prior jams him, high pop to right, drifts foul, three cubs after it. rollen tags up. karos tip toes through the wet grass catches the ball near the bullpen area spins and throws weakly to thirdbase, rollen safe standing up.

matt metheny the catcher with two outs goes quickly 0-2. the crowd gets into it. high pitch fouled away. metheny uses a red bat like leadoff hitter vina. check swing, appeal, ball. the curveball looked like a whiffle ball. as if the moisture is beneficial to prior's movement. it goes to 2-2, jammed him, towering fly to second baseman who squeezes it with two hands. cards 0 cubs 0

rabbit

# | |

mark prior's first inning performance against the cardinals just now inspired me to give you an inning by inning bloggy thing about watching the cubs and the cardinals today, labor day, which means, take it easy day.

after a four and a half hour rain delay, the cubs and cardinals finally get the game started. everyones drunk by now, including myself. the cards' leadoff hitter makes it to second with two outs and the wind knocks down a for sure homer from albert pujols and after a strike out the cubs' ace mark prior is out of the inning. cards 0 cubs 0

good old kenny lofton leads off with a double to left and moved over to third with a bunt from newly acquired tony womack that gets stuck in the tall wet infield grass, wild throw almost scores lofton, but instead it's now first and third, nobody out and hot hitting sammy sosa at bat.

the organ cranks the fans cheer. the infield is back to concede the run. sosa is batting .166 against woody williams who gets ahead in the count 0-1 and then 1-1. sammy fouls off a ball and breaks his bat. no cork. of course no cork. still, the crowd sighs in relief. the count becomes full. runner goes at first, sammy strikes out, no throw to second.

one out moises alou. four hour and seventeen minute rain delay they announce officially. a ball about two feet off the plate gets called a strike. followed by woody williams who hits alou on the wrist near the bottom of the bat. trainer comes out, leaves quickly, no injury.

bases loaded for eric karros batting .294. curveball outside a foot, strike. outside pitch to karros, poked to first baseman tino martinez who throws home, fielders choice at home.

two outs bases loaded for aramis ramirez who has 20 home runs this season. known for bat not glove. curveball five feet outside, ball. long drive to left field sure grand slam, because of the wind, out. cards 0 cubs 0

dirty fez

# | |

yo dre, today is labor day and i guess that should mean that we should reflect on the jobs that we've been lucky enough to have while walking around gods green earth.

mine started at mcdonalds in santa monica back during the olympics. they first put me on mop detail. i guess thats how you start in life. it didnt matter that i was in college, it mattered that i never had a job before, so where better than cleaning the toilets in a fast food retaurant, and then, naturally, making hamburgers. i remember there being gnats in the shakes, i remember dropping buns on the floor, i remember working six hours one day and feeling exhausted and i do remember the four months feeling like three years. and i do remember making three dollars and seventy five cents an hour. and i do remember quitting. i also remember creating the first double quarter pound cheeseburger in history, which at the time was illegal, while my buddies break danced on cardboard boxes behind the drive thru.

then i worked at a record store which was the greatest job i ever had and i shoulda just stopped there. but then i sold computers and made my first million. felt guilty so worked at a full service gas station in beverly hills for almost a year. then came back but didnt sell computers, sold tvs, stereos the first picture in picture sony xbr, denon audio.

went to santa barbara and worked for the arts and lectures dept as an usher. heard all the great speakers and authors, saw modern ballet, everything. then wrote at the paper and edited and learned. then worked in the cafeteria, then woke up at dawn and delivered donuts to lots of places in santa barbara including an operation that would later recruit me, train me, put things in my head, ruin my memory, teach me how touch a woman proper, fly a helicopter, steal from the theives and utilize esp. then i painted apartments in iv.

then i worked at sears. then i became a sales rep for a multi billion dollar electronics company and helped launch digital cassette that failed and the compact disc interactive that failed and webtv that failed if you consider getting bought by microsoft for a half billion dollars a failure. worked for webtv before the buyout and for microsoft after.

during i sold hot dogs for the san francisco giants in ninety seven the year they went to the playoffs. sold dogs at the playoff game and one guy gave me a twenty dollar tip if i would get him a beer. when i got him the beer he paid for it and tipped me a few more bucks. also during i had my own custom audio video installation company where people would tip and tip and introduce me to their teenage daughters and their daughters really didnt seem to mind.

quit everything and moved to la and worked for a start-up at entry level wages working the graveyard shift and within a few months i was helping out in hiring people and after that i was hiring people and after that i was hiring lots of people and being the mascot and writing and designing the ads that would go in the times and i was counseling people and firing people and advising people and growing the company and getting paid after a little while more money than ive ever been paid and stock options literally out of the ying and then the bubble burst and i was laid off and four hours later rehired because my coworkers all called bullshit simultainously in the finest moment of my life and i was at home working on my website and missed it. then the xbi said how could you get fired and i said i didnt see it coming and they said how did you get rehired and i said i didnt see it coming. and they said youre back to only making $12 an hour and i said yes and they said what sort of crazy company is this and i said who cares, i get to work next to karisa.

and they said well thats cool but after that ends youre coming back to work for us and i said i didnt want to and they said you dont have a choice and i said yes, i could work for the feds and they said youwouldnt do that and i said sure i would i was younger then idealistic and i did it for a while and then i saw the truth and i couldnt handle the truth so i told the xbi that i would work for them if they let me fly chopper one and they said done.

the truth about church and state? + reverse cowgirl + kitty b.

# | |

one day i'll be cool. you'll see.

my hair'll come back and my gut will retreat and i'll read more and learn how to speak spanish with you.

i wont spend all day at the track

taking pictures.

ive spent so long acting like a nerd that its not an act any more, thats what your sister hinted to me when we were playing boggle.

listening to rush and drinking straight out of the bottle.

i was waiting for the bus the other day

one day i'll be cool

and this man was arranging his paper bags and in one of them was his morning bottle of beer and it fell a long way down to the train platform and it was glass and the guy didnt even try cuz he knew it was a lost cause

you'll see

but it just clinked and didnt bounce and didnt shatter and didnt make a big splashy loud noise telling everyone that hi im an alkie

it performed its miracle and he picked it up from the ground and put it in a black bag and wrapped it and only the top stuck out for the busride

and i wish i had something good to hide.

you'll see

he wispered inbetween sneaky sips i woulda never guyssed it was him or he was that or he was anything, i never paid much attention to any of the men.

some guys at the xbi are constantly trying to be safer, smarter, sharper, cooler.

im not trying to move up or move down or move out im just trying to complete the assignment as quick as possible.

im trying to get the first pitch groundout not the backwards k.

they say that proves im elderly.

and there was a day when i thought i had to prove how hard i could do it or for how long but now i like the changeup heat changeup heat

i wish i was neat.

woman super fucked up on friday on the way home i was on top of the world comes up to me and i guess i looked good with a hawaiian shirt and a book open as i walked

she told me the beginings of a sob story about her tire going flat and how she needed to get to alhambra

and i said im sorry i cant

i didnt have a dollar handy

like i sometimes do

and normally i will hand it over

i shoulda handed it over

one day i'll be cool.

dug around for a little

listened for a minute

not what i didnt do.

one day i'll be

just wait

you'll see.

tiffany + fraterslibertas + little green footballs

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karisa called me last night at 2am. i was passed out. she said she wanted to bring over one of her friends. they had been drinking and i guess the bars closed. but she didnt sound drunk.

i got to the phone just as she was hanging up. my caller id caught her number but i didnt recognize it and for some reason i was really tired even though i had just given myself a sweet, hour nap.

musta been all the sex i had during the week.

so i stood there next to the machine and listened to her say that she wanted to come over with her friend and that she was only a few blocks away.

god i was sleepy. who was this friend? was it prince william? was it fred durst? was it paris hilton? with karisa it truly could be anyone. you know how cats bring back dead birds and mice, karisa only rolls with the a-list.

but i had no beers, not really any rum, and only two bottles of absinthe.

i had failed in my bachelor bob list of Shit To Have About The Pad on a Three-Day Weekend.

case of corona: chilled

bottle of rum
bottle of tequilla
bottle of whiskey
bottle of baileys
two bottles of vodka
bottle of jager

microwave pop corn

two dozen flour tortillas

hunk of cheese

two loaves of french bread

wheel of brie

strawberries, grapes, several cans of whipped cream

case of coke
case of dr. pepper
case of diet pepsi
case of diet coke

six bottles of merlot

dozen hot dogs

six bags of a variety of chips

two bowls of planters peanuts

tums, tylenol, gallons of bottled water

you should always have at least one really good, really new dance mix cd that you made personally and can talk about at length. but dont unless youre comfortable being a geek.

you should also have bacon eggs and milk in case theres an overnight guest. or two.

if you dont pick up all of these items on your way home from work on friday night, murphys law will state that on saturday night whatever is missing will become the most necessary at 4am.

have clean sheets, clean towels, a spare pair of clean pajamas, some unopened boxes of cheap toothbrushes, fresh bars of soap, and carpet-to-carpet incase a bong spills.

lately ive been trying to find things that look good on tv but dont suck-in or exclude any guests.

last weekend while in KaZaa i stumbled across a video of madonnas mostly-topless photo shoots for the controversial Sex book. apparentely most of the photos in the book are from film. this video shows lots of the film from shoots with vanilla ice, big daddy kane and naimi campbell, and from the famous nude hitchhiking shot.

what makes this good for parties is that theres nice operetic french music in the background that could be from the late 40s or 50s, but is so charming and peppy that it brings a lite mood to any moment, and madonna looked super hot back then.

but alas, all i had food and beverage wise was a big bottle of amaretto, a couple bottles of red from spain that my true love refuses to drink with me, water and soda.

and made my way out to the poolhouse hammock where ive been spending some of these warm summer nights

clapped twice

and called it a night like a good boy.

jarret house north + aaron clemens + blogblogblog

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