over the last sixty days, this site has gotten exactly 85,799 hits. for most sites that means $$$. for this site it means ??? namely letters. letters from horny guys wondering how they can get girls!

how this trend started, i'll never know. i have never claimed to know anything about the opposite sex other than they're all totally different, but defiantly worth further study.

Tom Green, the imprisoned bigamist from Utah, graciously offered to share his know-how with the fellas. A loving husband of five wives, and a father to thirty, we couldnt think of a more capable advice columnist.

Plus the price was right.



Q. I don't have a lot of money. How do you get a girl to go "Dutch Treat" with you? I can never seem to pull it off.

A. The last time I checked this was America. Unless your name is Van Gogh or you're wearing wooden shoes while fingering a dike, save your damn money during the week and pick up every check when you date.


Some women will insist on paying for something. Let them get a round of drinks. That's called a win-win situation. Now she is paying for her own inebriation. If she leaves her card to pay the tab, tip the waitress $5 to make sure only one round ends up on there and slip her your card.

If she's one of those feminist chicks and she wants to engage in debate over the matter, just mumble some nonsense about being old-fashioned, or your mother raised you this way, or you'll "hear nothing of it."

It is ok to send tulips the next day, however, big spender.

next question: How do I get my girl to dress nasty?