billy
corgan a few years back asked us to
tell him all our secrets
howve you done on that
assignment? well since billy hasnt written anything good in a
while i figured that for christmas i would write you about my
secret recipe to a perfect garden. as many of you know, i used
to be a traveling salesman for some pretty big electronics companies.
my territory was, at first, much of southern california, and then
later, all of northern california. even when i got traded to the
start-up i still had pretty much the same territory and pretty
much exactly the same clients, so i built some very strong relationships.
one day i was in fresno. when in fresno i always stayed at the
Raddisson on Shaw Avenue. Do you wanna know why? it was because
in every room they had wallpaper on the walls with ducks on it,
and they had a little shelf with books over the color tv. Sometimes
i would be in Bakersfield and it would be late and the good thing
about that town is you can stay at the Red Lion for less than
$75 but like i was saying sometimes i would drive all night for
those stupid books. now
dont get sick, these were just dumb paperbacks and a few hard
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covers which I am sure they got at a thrift store, it didn't matter.
it was a nice touch
and it was appreciated. i felt very comfortable in those rooms
and after a while the girls would put me in the same room when
they'd recognize me and i'd say, actually, id prefer a different
room. i like the books. one valentines night i found myself alone
in fresno and i gotta tell you it was a bummer. not only was there
no true love to share the evening with but the Shaw Avenue Raddison
was booked! Full! i had to go to the Motel 6!!! the good news
about being a Christian is that my favorite book of all is in
each and every motel room in America so i figured, fine, obviously
it's a good idea to read some Proverbs or something but alas,
no bible in the room! so i went to the movies. how lame, i know,
going to the movies alone on valentines day. i chose the romantic
comedy While You Were Sleeping starring Miss Sandra Bullock, one
of the few hollywood actresses who does not call me incessantly
begging me to see them in their lingerie. of course the film was
wonderful, why wouldn't it have been. but standing next to my
brand new Ford Taurus underneath the glorius central valley moon
was a mysterious pair indeed. i saw a big white cow standing next
to a farmer holding a huge bag of shit. im such an idiot that
for a minute i thought he was the cops.
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